Welcome to TiddlyWiki created by Jeremy Ruston, Copyright © 2007 UnaMesa Association
2003.7.1
‘說說你自己吧...’
“為什麼﹖沒有什麼好說的啊...不然﹐你先﹗”
回答的同時覺得頭皮正在收縮﹐牽動了耳朵﹐拉了拉眼鏡框﹐
於是我正式地陷入緊張狀態。
‘比如說﹐你有什麼嗜好啊﹖’ 顯然有人下定主意了﹐開始窮追不捨。
‘沒有什麼特別的嗜好啊...’
‘總會特別喜歡什麼的吧...’
“這樣子突然地讓人一問想不起來...”
‘你很自閉耶...’
心裡想著“那你還虐待我﹖﹖﹖” 偏偏不敢講出來。
‘隨便一個問題你就答不上來﹗’
“......"
2006.12.10
"There really is no such thing as Art. There are only artists."
E H Gombrich
I say, artists create art, though what makes art Art remains up for debate. For onlookers of art, we need only to open our heart before we open our eyes to perceive; whatever interpretations we make shall remain ours to keep; however those interpretations change over time bear witness to how we have weathered our lives.
----------------------------------------
前天逛書店翻到一本藝術史的書 - <the story of art> by e. h. gombrich﹐ 2006 edition
書皮封面非常的簡單﹐裡面的畫作印刷質感卻出奇的好。文字部份的用紙很薄﹐大概就是叫聖經紙的那種吧。
那本書自己說是"pocket edition"﹐心想<你還真不是普通的"厚臉皮"﹗>﹐明明就挺厚重的一本書﹐185mm x 110mm x 35mm﹐很少人有那麼大的口袋吧﹗
不過﹐這不影響對這本書的喜歡。
買回家後﹐開始讀。讀完第一章後開始一一翻看畫作﹐重新溫習﹐重新讀畫。
越翻越熟悉...﹐突然想起...﹐這不是我高二的藝術史課本嗎~~~~﹗
好巧﹐也可見那時其實讀得囫圇吞棗﹐連書名和作者是誰都沒用心記﹐大概也沒從頭到尾讀完。
想想﹐現在能有再讀一遍的機會和時間真好。
現在讀來﹐更是震撼﹐心得更深。
引言的第一句就說﹕"There really is no such thing as Art. There are only artists."
可不是嘛﹗
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1997.10
!!!Please Be Quiet - Part I - The Essence in Art
‘Art is skilful production’ defines the Oxford English Dictionary. The essence in art is then the skill to produce remembrance, representation, provocation, evocation, interpretation and perpetuation of objects, people, events and emotions. The essence of art is everything that it has been developed to be capable of. The skill falls into the category of the universal.
However, in order to apply the skill masterfully, the artist would have to work with their heart and soul. Human interventions at the level of the non-material, often understood as the innate creation of the spiritual are also universal, for the work of masters can withstand the test of time, and their expression of personality is capable of moving other souls. Therefore, artistry, the application of the skill masterfully, is a universal quality. The essence in art is timeless. It is clear then that in the modernistic thinking, it is the identity and culture surrounding an individual that dictates the totality of an experience of art, not art itself.
The timelessness of art suggests the nature of art is serious. Art is also educational for its purifying effect. A museum is a temple of art. The combinative effect of art in a museum is intimidating, quietness becomes the best and most respectful atmosphere for an experience of art.
1997.10
!!!Please Be Quiet - Part II - The Presence of Art
The way we appreciate art is a custom. Art has been considered to have the effect of purifying the soul. Throughout history art is an educational tool, to tell biblical stories in the Middle Ages, to portray and comment on the contemporary social attitude as the Realists did in the nineteenth century. The presence of art is relative to the viewer.
The profession of art owes its early allegiance with religion and politics. Art created under such circumstance had settings before they were completed, especially ceiling and wall frescoes. The Sistine Chapel ceiling by Michelangelo was no longer just a fresco when it was completed, it was to be the ceiling. Indeed the heightened architectural aesthetic of the chapel springs from the fresco’s integration with the architecture, especially with the illusionary depth of field created by his painted architecture. The presence of art is merged with that of architecture, the viewer is prepared to be convinced that those three hundreds and forty three figures reside in the ceiling and they could leap out anytime.
Brian O’Doherty in his book “Inside the White Cube: The Ideology of Gallery Space” suggests that the focus of art has changed from the ’subject within declared limits’ of the nineteenth century to ‘edges’ of the twentieth century. What used to declared limits are challenged and extended. Increasingly representational paintings were appreciated for their aesthetic and technical qualities, while the subject matter receded in importance. And when the representational goes abstract, the viewer is told be look beyond the ‘material’ to perceive the stimulation.
The modern movement’s contribution in the evolution of the art museums began in the 1930s. The momentum of modernism propelled a divergence from the classical museum design. One common emphasis made by modernist architects was on flexibility. Moveable walls replaced individual galleries to allow the curators to rearrange the spaces as required. This strategy is evident in both New York’s Museum of Modern Art in the late 1930s, and Mies’s un-built project, A Museum for a Small City, which was a prelude to the Berlin National Gallery (1962-68). This emphasis on ’space’ was at its clearest and its effect profound in Mies’s German Pavilion at the Barcelona Exhibition of 1929, one project that was distinctly composed of ’spaces’ rather than ‘rooms’. The interior was entirely open. The colours of the interior were intrinsic to the materials, walls of glass and dark green marble, screen walls of onyx, shiny steel shafts of cross section and a white flat roof. Nikolaus Pevsner in “An Outline of European Architecture” commented that monumentality was achieved with ’splendid materials and a noble spatial rhythm’.
All this bareness for flexibility and poetics of the walls became a modern pre-requisite for the justifiable presence of art. The white cube is a ‘hot-housed the serial jettisoning of content’, writes Brian O’Doherty. ‘Art itself is being produced in homes that have been made to look like the white cube. The art will be sold to another home that probably also has an area made to look like a gallery. Today it is hard for an artist to be taken seriously if his or her studio does not mimic gallery conditions: ‘white walls free of homey elements, and halogen lights please’ observes Mira Schor. Both are critics of art, critiquing a condition surrounding art.
The step towards abstraction was generally considered to be a dramatic leap. However, while at the same time the new found artistic freedom was being explored, new conditions regarding this freedom was unconsciously imposed. Although boundary gives limitations, it can also be frightening to work without one. In a cynical sense, there has to be rules, before one can say ‘rules are made to be broken’. In the case of modern art, eventually a new set of conditions under the disguise of artistic freedom replaced some of the old ones, while some were inherited. Nevertheless there is something about art that hasn’t changed because of that. Art is still powerful and evocative, it is the mind of the spectator that has changed.
Just to name a few of the ‘conditions’: art is given a pedestal, it is looked up to, it always mean so much more than fathomable; art needs to be given enough space to breath, to assert itself, its emotive power; and do be quiet when confronted with art, one needs enormous concentration to understand the overwhelming non-figurative composition. These conditions nest in the spectator’s perception of what art is. Inevitably the creation of art becomes affected by these conditions. O’Doherty further suggests that ‘art used to be made for illusion; now it is made from illusions’, as ‘most of the people who look at art now are not looking at art; they are looking at the idea of “art” they carry in their minds.’
1997.10
!!!Please Do Not Touch - Part I - The Distance from Art
Some of the conditions about art today strengthen the pedestal of art, which indirectly prompts alienation from art, and isolation of art. O’Doherty points out that most people still have a sense of hostility towards the (dealer) gallery:
<<<
‘Aesthetics are turned into a kind of social elitism - the gallery space is exclusive. Isolated in plots of space, what is on display looks a bit like valuable scarce goods, jewellery, or silver: aesthetics are turned into commerce - the gallery space is expensive. What it contains is, without initiation, well-nigh incomprehensible - art is difficult. Exclusive audience, rare objects difficult to comprehend - here we have a social, financial, and intellectual snobbery which models (and at its worst parodies) our system of limited production, our modes of assigning value, our social habits at large. Never was a space, designed to accommodate the prejudices and enhance the self-image of the upper middle classes, so efficiently codified.’
<<<
However, neither was art ’sympathetic’ to its audience:
<<<
‘Hostility to the audience is one of the key coordinates of modernism, and artists may be classified according to its wit, style, and depth.’
<<<
Apart from being warned to be quiet when viewing art, the viewer is also cautioned against touching art with signs in varying sizes saying ‘Please Do Not Touch’. Therefore a distance is kept between art and the spectator, no-one wants to be punished for accidents. Fragility of art veils itself.
The viewer, especially children, walks from one painting to another with their hands behind their back, letting out only occasional exclamatory whispers. The ‘exclusiveness, expensiveness and difficultness of art’ that envelope art are however core elements that construct the mystique of art; they help make art special.
It has become a difficult dilemma: how close to art should one stand? Indeed it is a difficult decision to make when confronting art, and being so conscious of it, the contemporary viewer enters into a phenomenon were the body is left to face the art, and the mind leaves the body to take a more comfortable and safer position at a distance. Thereby the viewer or the spectator become the ’surrogate’ for an experience of art.
1997.10
!!!Please Do Not Touch - Part II - The Absence of Self
The penetrative observation by O’Doherty of the viewer’s fetish is yet another illustration of the kind of alienation that dominates contemporary attitude towards an experience of art:
<<<
‘It often feels as if we can no longer experience anything if we don’t first alienate it. In fact, alienation may now be a necessary preface to experience. … This mode of handling experience - especially art experience - is inescapably modern.’
<<<
The absence of the self is a play of the ego. When an individual’s presence in an environment is constrained, their psychological state is ‘not at home’. The idea of ridicule and punishment as a result of a wrong-doing propels most people to ‘behave’ themselves, and hide their stupidity and ignorance.
The mystique of art, characterised by its exclusiveness, expensiveness and difficultness, restrains some people from opening up themselves to be affected by art. Instead, they withdraw away from such an experience by creating surrogates to ‘protect’ their inner vulnerable self, in fear of not being able to ‘understand’ art even if they tried. Ultimately it is the fear of the uncanny. The mystique of art make art uncanny because the uncanny ‘veils reality, and also because it tricks’ as Anthony Vidler writes in “The Architectural Uncanny: essays in the modern unhomely”.
Faced with the uncanny, afraid of falling into its traps, withdrawing from it is easier than confronting it. The endeavour to create a distance from art is reflected in how art is displayed. Artworks are shielded from others with space, plenty of space is installed around each piece, to avoid distraction and interaction in order to maintain sanity to brood over the confrontation with art. Such is an contemporary experience of art, guarding every step towards the uncanny, looking forward to taming its elusiveness with clarity of space.
Yet it seems like a struggle with diminishing intensity. Is this the only way to approach the uncanny of art?
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南緯28° - under the southern cross
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2006.8.16
in march 2006, i resigned.
it felt so exhilaratingly ... good
and sweet.
it was a type of relief that i had never felt before.
nonetheless, life is still full of challenges,
though more so on my mental preparedness
to venture forward and withstand
other facets of what could be my life
as it continues.
a lot of strategising followed,
so was a lot of doing and undoing,
many charges and retreats,
following intuition or rationalisation,
arriving at another crossroad.
life is never short of choices
and decisions.
for better or worse -
never available is benefit of hindsight.
on that note, i cannot help but smile.
moving forward is always a venture;
moving on is only direction as nothing ever stays the same.
create a new plot before slowing losing plot...
2007.4.3
it's impossible to avoid becoming a subject of objective analysis
and believing that it'd be better to pose as an objective subject
to the extent of becoming a subject objectified
which is probably worse than upholding a subjective bias
that while not easily understood
has perhaps a better chance of being accepted
as is
you certainly have me baffled
to say the least
2006.10.9
too much thinking seems to yield nothing more than an onslaught of headaches,
pounding to every blink of her weary eyes, ready for a dream, within yet another dream ...
2006.12.25
all is well
nothing to dread
one is a beginning
not an end
there is always more ahead
to break your head
you just don't get to stay
unchanged
2006.8.29
they say i could go anywhere and be whatever.
i'm here with very little desire to be somewhere else.
simply 'being' is sometimes enough of a struggle, let along 'wanting' more.
yet, more often than not, my contentment is looked upon as complacency and laziness,
and some other times, irresponsible selfishness.
to that, i just want to ask:
didn't they say that i could go anywhere and be whatever?
2006.8.17
so much technology,
so many devices,
so little human interaction,
so many more complaints.
i have become overly comfortable with my own company,
believing I have indeed found a few
'melodies that I can sing in my own company'.
i have constructed a shell for the ever accumulating solitude of my adulthood.
there is a consolation prize -
it is still all so much lighter
than human politics.
2007.2.20
to some people
the emphasis of communication is on being heard.
when it's their turn to listen
their minds wander off going over what they want to say.
2006.12.30
overwhelmed with restlessness
one afternoon late in the day
i set out to chase water's edge
orange sky and petal-paved way
driving past poinciana flowering red
strolled onto a jetty
there were a fisherman or two
and kids cheering loud at catching a few
fishing rods, the jetty
and boulders down below
all reaching out into the ocean
for a claim
i strolled along
to do the same
at the jetty's end
i looked for something
to tame my head
as waves piled on
crashing shore
overwhelmed was my restlessness
that overwhelmed me
when i thought i had issues bigger than my head
in the little daylight left
driving back passing poinciana still red
2006.9.27
small goals
and
small steps
seem to help get though the day
more easily
too much thinking is sometimes demoralising
in a world that is hardly ever right
blank out
and sweat everyday
so that you may end up tired enough
to sleep tight every night
2006.12.12
many of us tend to over-emphasise or trivialise things around us.
life experience helps getting the balance.
now, don't trivialise that!
2007.9.14
if you're not intending on helping all the way, then don't pretend to be an all-promising caring soul.
2007.9.1
don't come any closer
you keep your distance
i've had enough of you looming areound
nearer and nearer
sneaking up on me
when i least expect it
i should blast the music
blast away your whispering in my head
if there was no way
then don't play with my head
if you are as good as gone
then don't remind me what i have foregone
just leave it along with the bygones
2006.11.24
things are seldom as they seem. you may have looked but not seen what is beyond
the surface, overlooking details that could change your perception.
2002.1.21
有時覺得我好像“大亨小傳”裡的Gatsby﹐
把一切建立在不可能再重頭來過的過往雲煙上
到頭來除了是一場空
或許還會攪亂原本平靜的假象
連虛偽都不得安寧
可是若要活得那麼清醒
不是早已看破紅塵
要不就是早鐵了心不再有情
我做不到前者
也不願冷眼看世界
我選擇等待
就像無期貸款
永遠無法繳清
至少等待的避風港
仍有一絲絲的溫存
來支撐我對這一切的不放棄
讓這一切的一切化成我心中對你的不捨
臉上縱然有些許落寞
也會永遠掛著會心的微笑
2006.8.17
what does it take to believe?
to have a view, one must believe in something first. but how can one believe in something if there aren't sufficient facts?
perhaps it's necessary to distinguish between 'endorsement of information' and 'faith'.
believing in religions is having faith of some sort. believing in something seen or heard would be 'endorsement' of such information.
sometimes the difference between the two blurs into patches of grey, yielding even bigger challenges of categorising and deciphering the ever growing number of shades of grey.
and it seems to me - we're constantly asked to ... just have faith.
2006.12.5
travelling light to chase light
traversing time zones to leave dusk behind
stealing daylight under the setting sun
to see more of the present and
to remember less of the past
feeling weighed down by the strain of day
directions begin to blur
sluggish feet stumbling on sidewalks
under a blood-shot sky
the inevitable evening blanket draws near
sweeping across to erase the horizon line
nobody wins
the ever improbable battle against time
lost is the passion
and the will to strive
the remains of the day
turns into a starry sky
dangling distant memories
guiding travelling souls at night
2006.10.9
too many choices result in nothing being chosen.
2006.12.24
christmas cheers
green red or white
it's another day
in this maze of life
a maze where there is only one-way exits
not of your own choosing
most of the time
green exit signs
red blood
when the end happens
it's all white
same colours as christmas
but nobody cheers in those times
2007.1.2
indifferent looks
dilated pupils
and hollow stares
there is nothing more inside
to waste
or throw away
ready for a free fall
he begins to climb
2007.1.7
completely drained of words
unable to decode a scrambled mind
i stared at the tv
flashing frames of hype
crap in disguise
and conjured lives
南緯28° - under the southern cross -- - -- - -- [[譯站 @ WordPress|http://south28.wordpress.com/]]
2007.8.31
we get asked so many questions everyday.
sometimes questions are asked just for the sake of being asked.
who-ever askes don't really care if they get the answers they want.
they'd ask anyway.
just for the sake of it.
we all say yes or no so many times a day.
sometimes just because we have to say something.
'yes' now has so many variations,
so do 'no'.
is 'no' is the shortest response anyone can utter?
or is that 'uhmmm' or 'ughhh'?
but really, do i look like i care?
no.
2007.7.6
they say time changes everything,
and i used to doubt that.
i thought i could stand still,
unwavering against the tide of years gone by,
humming the same tune,
dreaming of a rainbow that won't fade, and
hoping for a storyline that never ends.
time tells of a different kind of story:
a kind of stories that end to begin other stories;
a different kind of never-ending.
time deals in multitude,
it knows 'one' is hard to let go of,
but 'many' can be hard to keep track of.
time does changes everything
because it knows you can't possibly remember everything,
and it never hesitates in giving you more to remember
if you think you could.
2006.12.7
although i feel out of place here,
i've no particular desire to be elsewhere;
i hesitate and remain at ease
until the next stir.
2006.11.6
when you roll your eyeballs, you are not listening.
2006.12.31
we look to the sky
yearning to return to higher ground
so we build heights
to catapult our souls
when we fail and fall
we sink further below
to get back up
we crawl
on our knees we pray
to be elevated one day
on our feet we try
to be what we once were
for we are stardust
fallen angels here on earth
2006.9.14
my top 4 all-time favourite books off the top of my head:
1. the fountainhead (ayn rand)
2. generation x (by douglas coupland)
3. norwegian wood (by haruki murakami)
4. the great gat sby (by f. scott fitzgerald)
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2002.1.28
for so long,
i fragmented my world so that
i didn't have to deal with it
in its entirety.
for so long,
i saw only the edges that
bound my emotions that
i ignored what filled in the
white of the canvas.
for so long,
i forgot that you painted the
canvas that was my heart.
fleeting impressions and
outburst of expressions;
perhaps i kept only what i felt
not what I saw
my take of the sparks between
what i thought was there -
being larger than life -
could not be comprehended by someone
who is not me;
being a representation of
my fragmented self -
could not have allowed me to complete the collage
without me choosing to live
only
selective
parts of me.
2006.12.13
free lunches do happen,
they're just not always tasty.
and it could be your turn to pick up the cheque next time.
2006.12.30
2007: another year
less than two days away
a new year, a new day, a new dawn
it's all the same
no prize for guessing
the sun will still rise and shine and set
on the new year day
happy greetings nonetheless
for it's another day lived
and another year survived
with those of us
that are still around
so - happy new year ... i guess
2007.9.16
you need to ask yourself:
do you feel with your head or your heart?
sometimes i see you looking away
because you think you should
not because you want to
sometimes i hear you say things to convince yourself
instead of to express yourself
sometimes you walk away
because you don't know how to deal with conflict of interest
not because you want nothing to do with it
i see you wandering
under pressure
with each step you take
the distance between us grows
with each turn you make
you left me a maze with no clues
there is nothing i can do
the least i could do is stay away from messing with your head
2007.1.2
i could go somewhere
and do something else
but that doesn't ring any bells
i'll just stay here
and be like this
here is as good as anywhere else
for telling tales of knotty twists
2006.12.3
as i approach the light
it no longer matters if i could ever go back
after conquering height
one must descend to move forward
2007.2.20
i wish i was a kid
so that i could make an appointment
to see you about my heart.
2007.9.1
you are constantly on my mind
there is no doubt about that
i remember a lot about you
but there is also a lot that i don't remember
maybe i did once, but not any more
i don't remember telling you how i really feel
i don't remember talking to you about my deepest fear
i thought i could take care of myself
i thought if i stood strong, obstacles would gradually go away
i thought you understood it all and would stand by me
i thought words were unnecessary
though i often uttered too many of them
i thought what i wanted was also wanted by you
i thought when you said you didn't mind, you would not later change your mind
i don't remember you telling me your feelings
i don't remember you talking to me about your deepest fear
you always watched in silence
but i guess i never knew what you really saw
i never asked
and you never talked
i remember putting my arm around you as we strolled side by side
i held you close
i remember your smile and your profile
i remember your eyes
i thought they said to me: it'll all be alright
maybe i don't remember as well as i thought
2006.10.2
yet i still got lost like i did
i turned around
expecting to see familiar scenes
instead
i saw the old fading into the future
'progress' is what i'm seeing
what was more unnerving
than entering an unfamiliar territory
was seeing the past
being processed
and repossessed
new compositions
praises, speeches and soap boxes
of all sorts
of overtures
serious rhetorics with tunes
once upon a time
i knew this place
now i know of a place that once was
2006.9.12
oh ... i'm swimming in la-la-land today
things just don't seem real to me today
with my head so high up in the cloud
dreaming of lots of what-if's
thinking that they will all just happen
miraculously ...
not really complaining though
it's like i've escaped gravity today
floating about doing some serious daydreaming ...
2006.12.15
i'm not a good storyteller,
especially when it comes to telling of travel experience.
people tend to have a lot of expectations of their destinations;
none other than seeing new places,
meeting new people,
fun and excitement,
new experiences that tip them over
and make their blood run hot
and their hearts go wild,
a rollercoaster ride.
not me.
well, i do like visiting new places,
though i like even better revisiting places i've been.
it's like - i want to explore in an environment that is not totally foreign to me.
i'd enjoy it more
if there were elements that i'm familiar with and can relate to personally.
i get stuck when asked to share exciting moments from my trips.
it's like - "doh! why me?!"
then i tell my stories that people just blink at
and wish that they had never asked.
like i said, i'm not a good storyteller.
2007.9.5
there are so many things that require an explanation
yet i am not going to be any good at explaining
there are so many things to be said
so much so that i dread it an awful lot
it'd be easier to just give up
and leave misunderstandings as they are
i don't know how to do good
i don't have a track record for doing things just right
i'm prone to stuff it all up
though i do try my hardest afterwards
to set them right
if only you could know me again
that would save me a lot of talking about myself
2007.1.14
it's all in your head
but at the same time
it's nowhere to be found
i'm all boxed in and want out
i'm all out and done in
2006.12.20
evening falls
black magic calls
shades darken and shadows grow
spells of blues
search in silence
to hold hostage
fallen souls
2006.9.11
i've been in exile
ever since i realised that
i wasn't welcome in your life
i thought i'd rather
deal with the emptiness of loneliness
than your indifference
for years, i've been digging holes in my heart
to bury popping thoughts of you
i talked myself into believing that
i was over you
i lied to myself
so hard that
i thought i had succeeded
in becoming a new person
free of your shadow
i often dream of you still
despite all my effort not to
most of the time
i'd look at you in my dreams
unable to speak or do anything
often i'd see you passing me by
casting not a look my way
every turn you took
banished me further for more solitude
the other day
i dreamed of yet another encounter with you
this time
i wasn't tongue-tied
i had a voice
to tell you how i feel
i woke up smiling
that was enough for my hole-hearted heart
as i tend to more burials in my waking hours
2007.9.3
he who walks alone
knows where he is going or not;
either way he knows
he who walks with a crowd
likes to go where everyone is going;
so long he is not alone
he who walks alongside others but consciously keeping his distance
often takes cover in a crowd to hide his loneliness;
he is still getting used to solitude
he who walks alone
regardless if there is anyone around him has either
completely found himself or
completely lost himself;
either way not many would want to walk with him
sometimes being alone is something that just happens;
so does loneliness, it happens
2007.6.18
sometimes i wonder
whether i've been playing join-the-dots
for far too long
for i seem to have trouble recalling
what the bigger picture looks like
2007.10.21
do we ever get it just right?
probably never.
we think too little when we should bang our heads more.
we think too much when we should care less and just let it go.
it's either too much or too little, over or not enough,
too soon or too late.
where's the balance?
balance is a target never reached.
how do you achieve balance?
you don't but you must try nonetheless.
one day, you might get close enough,
and it'll be alright.
2006.11.19
i've done a lot of "wait and see";
i've also "jumped the gun" a number of times.
occasionally i did get it just right.
now i'd like to stop keeping tabs.
2006.11.11
most of us have to learn how to give without expecting something in return. the
learning process is one of surrender - submitting to your deepest fears.
2005.8.21
sometimes 'more' comes from letting go ...
letting go takes time and so it should, as things that need to be let go are usually personal and ridden with emotions.
this world tends towards chaos - more energy is required to create more order. i think they call it quantum thermal dynamics. this means one has to sweat to move forward regardless of how we do it.
that's the question and the decision, isn't it (and a personal one) - how would you do it?
2006.9.20
i'm not a patient person by all means
but there have been times
when i persevere so much
that i even surprise myself
more often than not
'waiting' gets to me
it's like having air extracted out of my lungs
i can't sit still
unless i'm occupied with something
even then
there is no guarantee
i'll stick with it for another minute longer
don't try my patience
don't count on it
there is never much to begin with
let there be some action
have my mind engaged
watching the clock tick is
not enough
it never was
and now i'm letting you know
once and for all
hurry up
and get on with it
or off it
2006.12.14
we have gone too far with the practice of making-do.
in our chase for material excess,
we make do in just about every other aspect of our lives.
2007.8.30
the so-called modern life is costing us
a hell of a lot more than we've ever bargained for.
it's not that most of us are regretting the pathway,
but rather we are increasingly feeling trapped inside a glasshouse
with dazzling lights hanging above
mimicking the stars of heaven.
more approachable than the stars they are,
but when you fall with them in hand held so tight,
they shatter to pieces and bleed you you.
while trying so hard not to show signs of weakness,
you weep in silence.
finally realising that the glitters above are trojan horses;
once possessed,
floodgates open,
letting loose vanity,
drowning sanity,
having you believe you are just taking care of banality.
the horses tell you:
"relax, there is nothing to worry about,
it's all just formality,
everybody goes through with it.
you have absolutely nothing to worry about, really."
but really,
who says we all have to participate?
where's the referee?
i'd like to exercise the little freedom i think i have
and opt out.
sin-bin me if you must,
i can't play this any more.
turning away from the ever intensifying lights
though somewhat bedazzled still,
turning towards colours no longer under studio lights:
looking outside of the glasshouse
turns your stomach and dries your mouth;
it's an option for you if only you knew how to walk the earth.
you know you've lost sync with its four seasons;
you don't know how to walk between sky and earth any more.
guilty as charged,
i lean my forehead against the glasshouse dripping red,
wondering if i should wait for my wounds to heal before venturing out.
i thought to myself - i need to make sure i can survive out there.
finally thoughts turned - who's going to help me in here?
no-one, not a soul,
for there is none of that crap this side of the glass gaol.
2007.10.22
when you bury your heart in the past
you tend to feel less of the present
if at all
for some reason you feel responsible for a self
that seems less than whole
you get on your feet to find find out more
when you start digging for what you left behind
you tend to find not just a skeleton or two
but a whole lot more
now looking at all the extra work you've uncovered
you realise moving forward is more than a chore
you wish you had been lazy to the core
so you'd never have to deal with it all
2006.10.9
more of this
more of that
more of everything
more is good
to want to have more is healthy
to be able to have more is envied
let's have it all
'less is more'
sounds good
but minimally practiced
even minimalism can be taken to the extreme
more edges
more edgy
more shadows
more contrast
modernity of opulence
in the melting pot
everything is neither here or there
like rain drops to the sea
more or less the same
2007.2.20
i didn't want to get out bed this morning.
i was having a good dream;
we talked and i felt light.
you were by my side
and we were having a good time.
2007.12.28
You ask me why I’m vague. My answer is I don’t know. I know too little about anything to offer a satisfactory explanation, even if it were about myself.
How do you have an opinion when you don’t know what to think anymore?
This is a society of ‘whatever’; anything goes and everything hangs loose. How do you construct an argument (mostly for argument’s sake) from loose material and expect it to support itself. It may be possible but I do not have the courage to witness a very probable collapse for a very slim possibility of otherwise. You can call me a coward for lacking such courage, but at least give me some credit for being honest about it.
The little knowledge and life experience of my so-called life seem insufficient in extending my theorising capacity as I toy with my thoughts with hope of expanding them. So far without fail I confuse myself everytime I try to think things through. There has been not once when I succeeded in convincing myself about something. Limbo is where I end up almost always; never close enough to heaven to bask in its glory nor distant enough from hell to be safe against the scorching heat of its inferno. Somewhere in limbo and aware of the extremes, I have started to wonder why I bother at all for I have doubts about moving in any direction.
What good are directions when destinations are unknown? Why choose a destination when it will not matter in the end? If you are not going to get up and do what it is that you think about doing, then perhaps it’s better to not think about it at all. Again, perhaps I’ve fallen into another confusion of mine.
So please, don’t ask me questions that I cannot answer. You would save both you and me a great deal of time. And what would I do with the saved time? Nothing. I’d just idle it away in my solitude. At least, that is pure. There is purity in idleness so long it is unpolluted by discontent consideration of what could have been done and what could be done.
Some give such idleness a fancy name, they call it meditation. To me, it is just idleness, uncluttered by thoughts if possible.
It’s not even peace, it is just idleness as is.
2006.11.25
i stepped outside of myself
so that i could see me like others do
then i started to enjoy the separation
too much that
i wandered off
i thought so long
i keep an eye out
it'd be as if i had never left
then i drifted further and further away
leaving my poor self to hang
high and dry
in the human desert
of social chatter
2006.12.19
i cannot stop here
though i'd like to,
not because i'm eager to get somewhere,
but because i'm addicted to
being on the move non-stop.
2007.9.2
there is not a cloud in the sky
i wish i could say the same about my mind
if there was a lake here
there would be a layer of gentle ripples afloat
reflecting the distance in her eyes
and each glance would ripple away from me
if there was a lake here
i would be strolling the lakeside for pebbles
small round pebbles
that feels right between the fingers
that i could throw across and into the lake
making them jump on the lake suface as they dart across
making my own ripples against her reflection
as ripples rippling into one another
maybe we would turn to look at each other in the eyes
well, there is no lake here
but blue sky and countless people walking by
behind my shades
i'm dreaming of a lake in my mind
2007.9.4
you know you have enough
when you have some already and could do withoyt more
when you have lost what you once had
and recovery unobtainable
the taste of what could have been
only stand to intensify
making everything else incomparable
and incomplete
unless you change your appetite
you'll never have enough
2006.12.30
a tragic event is not necessarily a tragedy
a poem is not necessarily poetry
a poetic tragedy grabs your heart
a tragic poem is less than farce
2006.11.16
(from a previous speech given in 2005 at the BCC)
It is not difficult to make the observation that the key drivers of environmentally sustainable development initiatives or projects are people’s collective environmental conscience and market demand.
I believe everyone has an environmental conscience. However, as with many other aspects of our lives, it is simply ineffective to just rely on voluntary self-regulation to manage the level of environmental impact we are causing collectively and to protect our environment for future generations.
This leaves Market Demand as the most dominant force in how we perceive, respond and resolve issues of environmental sustainability.
We often talk about supply and demand in the marketplace for environmentally sustainable products. In doing so, it becomes necessary to understand the needs and wants of such a market system with regard to ESD products as a commodity item.
The fundamental elements of a market system that most of us are familiar with are – buyers and sellers trading a commodity determining price and quantity of output.
Going down this path attempting to flesh out this skeletal framework, a few issues immediately come to the fore before we can develop such framework further. These issues are:
* How do we determine environmental needs and how do we categorise such needs – the needs of the Federal Government, State and local governing authorities, communities, companies and individuals?
* When can we determine these needs and what are the timeframes?
* What are the commodities being traded and how do we deal with their multi-facet nature?
* How much should we pay for environmentally sustainable products and how would we pay for them?
Market forces can be in the form of push factors through various government and regulatory authorities imposing more astringent regulatory requirements.
Market forces can also be in the form of pull factors coming from the end users choosing to live and work in dwellings and buildings with higher ESD ratings, and in doing so, willingly accept the potential cost premium during the transition.
This requires a change in how we conceptualise what is deemed 'necessary and vital'. It is clear that at the moment, we do not treat individual user's contribution towards environmental protection as 'mandatory'.
However, a balance between push and pull factors is necessary. And such balance may change over time depending on the overall market environment.
A significant influence on the ESD market environment is the property cycle. During a property boom, especially at the beginning of a boom period, increases in costs can be easily covered up by rising selling prices, while still achieving profit targets.
Yet cost increases in a market downturn erode profitability, and in many instances, they can stop projects from getting off the ground.
Some may argue that purchasers are willing to pay a premium for ESD, however, it is also highly likely that the extent of such premium is very sensitive to the property cycle.
A note on who pays for the ESD premium – there is a significant difference between commercial and residential developments. Commercial buildings when developed and held as assets, the cost risk is spread over the life of the building and the benefits can be more easily justified in potentially lower operating costs and better rents.
As to residential properties, a purchaser may not live in the house or apartment long enough to derive sufficient financial benefit. And I should be safe in hypothesising that an individual dwelling purchaser is on average much more sensitive to the marginal cost for ESD benefits than a property trust or syndicate purchaser of commercial properties.
In order to facilitate an optimum combination of 'push' and 'pull' factors, the society needs to become more aware of the importance of Environmentally Sustainable Developments and be educated over time on what ESD entails to enable people to establish appropriate rules and regulations as policy makers and enforcers, and to make appropriate briefings and decisions as clients and
purchasers.
It should be noted that what are now considered additional commitment would become standard practice one day. The quicker we can accept such sustainability improvement as a matter of necessity and not as gadgetry add-ons, the shorter the transition period would become. Consequently, the shorter the transitional period, the quicker we can outgrow the urge to cut development cost increases due to ESD practices.
More issues for consideration:
* Pressure of ESD premium on affordability of housing prices;
* ESD technology on the construction market in terms of demand on skilled labour and material (eg. plantation timber);
* Relativity of ESD input required and the overall benefit to the environment if everyone participate in it;
*The importance of the "participation rate".
These are difficult discourses, but we need to meet these challenges head-on to make progress. And open discussion would help in raising awareness and identify further research and education required, which would ultimately encourage resolutions and the much needed en-mass participation and action.
2007.6.17
one tiny piece of thread snapped in my head
a minor explosion within
an implosion of such weight
leaving no debris
but a black hole
further exploration seems futile
as it sheds no light
needless to say
it sucks
whatever gravitates towards where it lays
my head
my universe
my vacuum
my vagueness
2006.11.16
often what suits at a larger scale can be quite inappropriate at a smaller scale. context provides relevance and allows readings of meanings.
though an out-of-context placement can be stimulating and challenging of how we perceive, it risks becoming irrelevant and merely a fleeting sensation.
unfortunately, we seem to have a great deal of solidified fleeting sensations engraved into our contemporary urban fabric.
fear not - it appears possible to theorise out of a rut.
by over-theorising everything, it's possible to create a platform that is so detached from anything known and so irrelevant, it becomes a work of art.
it may be out-of-place yet again, but at least it's 'fresh' again.
2007.1.3
sometimes you just want to shrink
out of harm's way
and be on your way
but life's always game
you'd be given at least a scare
before getting aid
2007.8.31
it's all over my head
and might as well be all over
and dead
i look at people
but they don't look my way
people say paths cross
but mine floats
above and over everyone's head
i can't get to where i want to go
i can't get to you
with you is where i want to be
it's all over my head
i sink below to take shelter in my own mess
i must be your regretted past
though you are my fairytale and my lingering hope
as i take each step
with everything over my head
2006.9.5
out of the office, on the go,
destination unimportant.
out of a setting,
into another.
the world could be your oyster,
if you know your stuff and can strut it well.
or - others could get to the oyster and feast on it,
while you watch on.
you can always say -
nah...
oysters...
i dont't like them much.
2006.9.9
i must feel life more through pains for i seem to remember pains better than
happiness.
not a bad thing except i hope i haven't turned into a bore.
2006.12.4
these days, you are encouraged to voice your opinion and express yourself.
all at a price tough; you shall be charged, one way or another.
2007.2.26
i took a step forward;
i now have my back to what i held to be 'now'.
i turn around to see that
nothing was the same as what i thought it should be ...
reality is supposed to anchor me,
yet relativity confuses me,
while feeling surreal i noticed that
the present does not change just as
the present does not change tense.
2006.9.17
the rain has come
to wash away the clutter
out of my head
i can smell the dusty dampness
and a hint of the spring green
carried afloat by the gentle breeze
i am wrapped in temporary peace
i close my eyes
losing my train of thought
i am emptied out ...
2006.11.27
when you see traits of yourself in exhibition in other people, do you pause to reflect?
2006.9.11
5 years after the 9/11 event in 2001
osama bin laden is still out there we think
the world is still fighting wars and starting new wars
big and small
physical or not
all sorts of wars where nobody ever wins
but everyone loses
" right or wrong - it's all about perspectives
you'll never step into my shoes
and i certainly don't want yours "
" i just think you should know -
i'm ready to fight for causes that i think are right
be that in the name of my god, freedom or democracy "
perhaps, what is right with us is what is wrong with us
2007.2.21
your silence drives me to despair sometimes.
and yet i'm all so used to it;
it has been a most loyal companion
as i often allow myself to shrink within
and sometimes misplace myself,
as i search for that very piece of red thread,
if it does exist for me this time round.
2006.9.15
five hours of spring cleaning
i claimed back some space
i broke my back
now i'm tired
three bags of rubbish to go
they weren't rubbish before
lighter i should feel
yet i wish i could chuck out more
better still
bag the weight of my past
and toss it down the chute
oh i wish i could do that
then i could really throw away everything and all
one day i must
just let it be
but today i'll focus on
what else i can chuck
one by one
2006.12.8
drowning in the polemics of
a purposeful life
i suffocated in silence
as the world moved around me
seemingly without me
unable to decide
i paused to discuss with myself
in my paralysis
i asked myself another question:
why must i keep on going?
perhaps i should pause
for a little longer still
i haven't finished talking to myself yet
2006.12.30
one december day
i headed out your way
with thousands of kilometres and an ocean
in between
at a seaside town
i got stuck on what could've been
2002.2.3
some of the most compassionate people may come across as the coldest.
sometimes it feels liberating to be able to say "i really don't give a damn" and mean it without feeling a slightest sense of regret afterwards. however, most of the time, it's inappropriate to care less...
when people 'judge', perhaps they just want to know where they stand with other people and with their surroundings. they are establishing relationships - there is a sense of anchoring. does this not go against the very of desire to be free?
maybe while people strives towards freedom, they don't want to be as free as they are hoping to be. maybe some of us are happy to stay attached to certain people and surroundings. often we would be more than willing to bear the weight of certain relationships and that should be okay too. surely they are the choices in life that are just as valid as the choice to become detached and free.
freedom, by the meanings attributed to it, cannot be possessed as it should not involve an act of belonging. we are born attached - to our families and surroundings - and our social construct reinforces these attachments. to become free and detached has become an exercise that goes against the grain.
2006.12.13
true environmental sustainability needs to start with an overhaul of our value systems. these days, it's like saving water with fishnets.
2007.7.7
so much thinking
over so much time
so many times
so much brooding
over age-old tangles and webs
becoming so very confused
not thinking was a road not taken
no turning back is the realisation in the face
of chaotic
knots and patterns
of hazy days
pondering still
without end
everything is all too hard and bent
finding consciousness a thorn
and a seed of pain
is far from a relief
unless it be capable of being reined in
as much as it makes little sense
all seems sussed out
though to no obvious avail
carrying on nonetheless
thinking with fewer quests
still so much time to figure out
how to think even less
how to keep on thinking without needing to confess
of silent distress
but then
it is probably all just a temporary mess
2007.6.13
it's no secret that travelling can be exhausting.
it's just that you always forget how much so,
and by the time you do remember
you are probably already overwhelmed with it all
yet again.
that's what i'm feeling and overcoming.
my hands are itching though,
wanting to write bits and pieces about the past weeks.
in due course, i suppose ...
so - watch this space.
2006.11.16
從16歲首次接觸至今﹐這首詩一直我的最愛。
自己的人生也越來越像所寫的﹔
簡直是一路對號入座了 ...
在網路上找中譯找了半天﹐發現版本眾多﹐卻沒有我滿意的 ...
怎麼會這樣﹖
不是我偷懶 (嗯﹐是有一點啦 ... )
而是我不認為我的中文程度好到可以翻譯詩詞。
可是實在找不到滿意的﹐
只好自己來。獻醜了。
對於自己的翻譯也不是很滿意﹐
但意思上比較符合我現在的心境。
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost (1874-1963)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
------------------------------------------------------------------
未涉之途
兩條路分叉在秋葉紛黃的樹林裡,
很遺憾的我無法皆行
身為旅者﹐我佇立著
放眼眺望其中一條
看著路沒入灌木叢裡;
而後擇另一條路走﹐一樣好,
也許更符合我想要的
路徑蔭綠引人前行;
雖然就此而言﹐來往的足跡
把兩條路磨踩得不相上下,
那天早上兩條路同時延伸眼前
路上有尚未被踩踏過的落葉。
我呢﹐把那第一條留待改日﹗
然而深知每條路後有路
我懷疑是否會有回到原地的一天。
待我帶著嘆息重述這旅程
在很久很久的以後﹕
兩條路分叉在樹林裡﹐而我 ...
我選擇了足跡稀少的一條﹐
使得一切因而不同。
------------------------------------------------------------------
2007.5.17
you think until thoughts can no longer be extended
your mind worn out from following threads
thoughts emptied out
clouds begin to thin
nothing holds it all
nowhere is where it all ends
2006.12.14
i've been feeling very tired these couple of days.
it's become a weekly setback.
i know my blood pressure is low when that happens.
but i don't know why.
doctors don't know why.
nothing major they always say.
oh, whatever, at least i'm done with seeing them.
i'll figure something out.
it's just me and myself, what else did i expect?
no-one would ever come into my shoes.
my problems are mine to deal with.
oh, i'm tired ...
2007.1.9
this summer has been cool
a spell of misty rain started the day
a headache followed me around all day
barely noticeable is the sun in the sky that's been grey
2007.2.20
there is nothing more frustrating than
seeing the truth losing ground
to the web of realistic expectations.
2001.4.29
southern cross
southern sky
south of border
in exile from
the wildest dream of heart
taking flight from
the sorrow and pain of the
distant past
colours fade from memories
love lost
the torch carried has long been
without a flame
find someone with a dry match
and light a beginning for
tomorrow's brightness
build a fire to give peace to
solitude
take away loneliness from
being alone
a breath let out
turning a new page
there is a twinkle in the sky
2007.2.11
i don't have to get over you,
i just need to get used to memory of you roaming my consciousness when it
pleases;
an uninvited regular visitor.
but perhaps not as unwelcome as one would think.
2006.12.24
the crack of dawn
lifts away the last lingering
veil of night
colours return
decorating woeful thoughts
giving my head a break
from its routine works
2006.9.13
i'm sure we've all done this -
waiting for a moment that's right
how do you know it?
"my guts would tell me"
we all seem to think
"call it a hunch
i know this is it"
as often as it ended well
we fell short
well, that seems to be my statistics anyway
but still
i'd say -
"trust your instinct"
as without it
we'd probably never get anywhere
well, at least i think i probably wouldn't
you see
i'd end up thinking ... too much
2006.12.30
you put it down
to pick it up
over and over
again
one day, you put it down
once again
it's been a waiting game
to see when you'd pick it up
again
2007.1.8
a watershed
of an illusion once contently upheld
saw majestic goals
losing ground
gushing away in the flow of bygones
2006.9.7
we are all stars.
it's just that we are not equally as bright.
because -
we are all different in constitution, in mass, and in how fast we burn up,
to say the least of the differences.
and we are all viewed in difference distances from one another.
for example -
you can't get too close to the fireballs without the risk of getting torched.
but they surely are magnificent to watch from a distance.
it's all relative and it's all by comparison.
you see -
we are all stars.
2007.2.2
seeing crowds after crowds going past and moving about
i forgot where i was going.
aimlessly striding along, i began to wonder
if i needed a direction at all.
2007.1.23
when the desire for more leaves you,
you become either despondent or calm and content;
two different mindset of the same coin.
2007.2.21
it's probably not going to get easier
and the burden won't get any lighter.
but you'll be older
and hopefully wiser
about what to let go
and what to take on.
2006.12.4
i looked at them and realised that i wasn't one of them.
i stood beside them but not with them.
i've no claim but for time that could've been mined.
2007.9.1
what the hell does that mean - within reason?
whose reasoning are we basing it on?
we often say things that create more ambiguity and confusion than had we not said anything.
"do you get what i mean?"
no, i don't, and i'm not sure if i want to get what you mean, if it means screwing up what i think i finally understand for myself.
if you're not intending on helping, don't pretend to be an eloquent caring soul.
show some respect for those who at least have the courtesy to distress in silence.
2006.12.17
when staying is bleeding life
and losing pride
perhaps you should consider
picking up your feet
and take your stride
whether it's a step back
to turn around for a flight
or a step forward
to get ready to put up a fight
either way
you have to decide
2006.12.16
so many points of view
but you're only allowed to pick the prescribed one.
so many alternatives for arguments' sake
but none is available to you.
2006.12.14
light-headed and tired,
the look on your face is a blur to me.
i blink to take a snapshot
for deciphering later
when sobriety returns to me.
2006.11.20
我不認識你﹐你不認識我﹐這讓我覺得很安全。
我喜歡自己一個人﹐和人群保持點距離。
我不太喜歡出入人群﹐我怕曲終人散時忘了把自己帶走。
我喜歡孤獨的感覺﹐一切平淡。
2006.12.19
一直以來﹐從青年時期到現在﹐
我想我從來沒有真正徹底地回答自己一個問題﹕
我活著是為了什麼﹖
我的所謂‘使命’是什麼﹖
老實說﹐我現在也還不知道。
我想這是我最深的心結。
而至少現在的我敢承認而不怕別人的評論。
我喜愛建築﹐特別是建築理論﹐但我不熱衷建築師的工作性質。
這無關我可不可以勝任。
有好幾年﹐我以為我是怕失敗而不敢勇于嘗試。
剛開始也許是﹐但現在我明白了﹐我純粹是不熱衷於那些事務。
基於對自己的了解﹐一旦我無法百分之百投入一件事﹐那我對它的耐心就不會長久。
能力不是問題﹐我知道我可以做得很好﹔
求好心切的死板個性往往會給自己極大的壓力要做到最好。
很難去描述明白這些年來心裡無謂的執著﹑
偏頗的思考﹑
打了結的邏輯。
現下只想-從-新-開-始-。
2005.6.5
一線之隔無限遠
近鄉情怯 咫尺成天涯
多少情懷 不曾退潮
萬分色彩 水花湧浪浪爭躍
裹足門前膽漸薄 心蕭瑟
轉身垂目 寒風中緩緩起步
不見 尚有餘地自欺娛
若見 怕是見罷罷罷罷
2007.10.8
我對你的了解和不了解都在我的執著裡變得不可分辨﹔
我以為我了解的其實就是我對你的不了解﹐
我對你的不了解其實就是我了解你的所在。
這麼繞口令似的認知是一切無奈的根源﹐
再怎麼斬草也無法除根的無謂用心。
然而我卻難以持續我的抱怨﹐
腦海中的些許溫暖記憶是我小小的沉溺﹐
偶爾因此志短﹐無力斬麻﹐無心他圖。
2006.12.19
一開始時，
想把這些時日以來發生的林林總總及心情轉折記述下来。
然而又有很多事正在進行中，
因此似乎找不到恰當的段落來做記錄。
倒是一再的拖延的確是讓心情沉澱許多，也收斂不少。
很多事待它沉澱一陣子後回顧﹐
連自己都會有新的看法﹐
得到另一層的啟發。
連自己都對那些思維比較有興趣。
不過也漸漸地覺得其實有很多事情在事過境遷後似乎也没什麼好提的。
2006.11.14
有一天突然想到﹕“人心不古”一詞是什麼時候開始啟用的﹖
是不是表示在哪之前﹐世人不太會有這樣的感嘆﹖
後來曾在歷史書籍裡特別讀到春秋戰國時代之亂﹐倫理道德之敗壞。
連孔子都覺得當時世風日下。
這夠久遠了 ...
原來﹐其實只要有人的存在就免不了人性。
而大多人總是在善惡兩者間游離﹔大小善惡之事皆在一念之間。
除了本性﹐尚有周遭環境的影響。
很多人的道德標準好像是會隨著社會的狀態及變化而自我調整的。
那到底是亂世裡壞事特別多﹐還是惡的滋長多了久了造就了亂世﹖
也許不是“人心不古”﹐其實人性依然﹐
而是社會的道德準則鬆弛了﹐變得太有“彈性”了﹐
太讓人性有撒野的空間了 ...
2005.6.4
自放逐流無盡頭
舊時行囊不見輕
孤舟順江水四濺
斜笠遠思隨風飄
2003.7.1
“你知不知道你很煩﹖”面對秀子充滿疑問的眼神和欲言又止的蠢樣﹐
小桐反射性地擺出一臉冷淡的態度﹐瞬間湧出的不奈其實是想掩蓋對外在關懷的不習慣。
“我知道你心情不好...﹐可是...”
“......”
“嗯...”
“你到底想說什麼﹖”
“我...”
小桐其實希望秀子能多擠出多一點話來﹐能多問他幾個問題﹐一個接一個﹐
直到他被“煩”到忍不住崩潰﹐隨著衝動一吐為快...
只是﹐被吼得縮膽的秀子哪懂得身邊看似氣得幾乎頭頂冒煙的同伴其實期望被煩到底。
秀子想問﹐想知道﹐卻又怕過份越位。
就像這陣子以來常常拌住他的困惑 - 他秀子是他的什麼人﹖
有什麼資格那麼堅持去過問他的私事﹖
這一切為什麼會越想越無邊無際﹖
太過無形反而讓人無從捉摸起。
規則的存在反而容易讓人產生親切感。
這一切...很矛盾...
隨著兩人的沉默﹐小桐朝秀子看去。
秀子眼中沒有焦距的眼神突然讓他覺得害怕.
小桐想開口﹐就像泄洪一樣﹐只要柵口一開﹐
他可以什麼都說﹐只要秀子不嫌煩﹐他真的可以掏心。
可是...秀子有那麼多的時間...陪他嗎﹖
就為了這麼小小的遲疑﹐小桐終究沒有開口。
秀子慢慢地收回不知要定在何處的眼神﹐
認為自己不該再期盼小桐會說些什麼。
公車站牌下的兩個人各自探頭來往車輛﹐
順便捕捉眼角裡對方的存在。
其實能這樣一起站得這麼近﹑一起等公車﹐也是一種幸福。
一種每個上學天都可以享受得到的幸福。
一種彼此都‘負擔’得起的幸福。
只是﹐對小桐來說﹐這不夠。
而越是了解自己的不滿足﹐他越是心浮氣躁。
面對秀子的溫吞﹐小桐更是覺得他的心情沒有出路。
2006.12.12
星光點點撒蒼穹
北斗七星鑲天營
赤南不見大熊座
夜來寄情十字星
.
''南緯28°'', ''south28'' or ''south28oz'', they are just names I give myself in the digital world.
.
''南緯28° - under the southern cross''
http://south28.wordpress.com
This [[TiddlyWiki|http://www.tiddlywiki.com]] is a collection of [[南緯28°]]'s blog entries posted at the [[Opera Community|http://my.opera.com]] and [[WordPress|http://www.wordpress.com]].
[[TiddlyWiki|http://www.tiddlywiki.com]] proved to an amazing non-server dependent tool for this purpose.
Although the process of copying over more than 150 entries was time-consuming, the result here is well worth it. Everything is contained within one HTML file and the overall file size is less than half a megabye. All in all, it is such a versatile and ultra portable program or tool, however you wish to refer to it.
View the entire list of [[南緯28°]]'s blog entries: [[壓箱舊文 Writing Collection|south28archive.html]]
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[[理性的距離 (1)]]
[[理性的距離 (2)]]
[[關於怪頭 --- About a Weirdo]]
[[葉子的輪迴]]
[[走那廣州街一趟]]
[[回台散記 - 找尋踏實的親切]]
[[登山寺後記]]
[[極限]]
[[我讀﹕海邊的卡夫卡]]
[[我讀﹕蛻變]]
[[我讀﹕金閣寺]]
[[聰明與智慧]]
[[modern soul]]
[[chasing time]]
[[at a jetty's end]]
[[in darkness]]
[[in and out]]
[[myself and i]]
[[the road not taken]]
[[under the southern cross]]
[[fragmented]]
2006.11.15
心中的感覺像漣漪一般散開
一圈圈的心動
像是規律性的溫習
那這些年來熟悉又陌生的點點火花
一切是那麼地不經意
原來這些年來的盲目執著
只是為了學會平凡中的可貴
學會細水長流的感情
以最普通的關懷
交給你
就算永遠不明講﹐就算你永遠不知道
也無妨
原來可以是那麼簡單
2006.12.19
不知道妳有沒有這樣的經驗 - 不經意地瞄過一張圖片﹐照片﹐畫作...
咋看之下沒什麼特別印象﹐之後也回想不起來內容是什麼。
過會兒﹐隔一陣子﹐甚至多年後﹐
再一次不經意地看到﹐突然間發現裡面有許多細節﹐
除了引人多看幾眼外﹐它甚至須要解讀﹗
在模糊記憶裡﹐比較特別的片段之一是被導師‘開導’的那十幾分鐘吧...
我一生中大概再沒有過那樣的經驗﹕
我的意識在一瞬間被搞得一塌糊塗﹗
最...最...最讓我驚訝的莫過于由他人口中聽到的事實﹐
單刀直入地明說一個大概再明白不過的景象﹐
在我聽來居然是那麼地陌生...
那麼地讓人頭皮發麻...
我無從知道我回到教室時臉色如何﹐
我只記得妳在教室門口攔住我﹐問我老師教我去幹嘛﹖
我只記得我沒回答...我想我或許還在驚嚇中﹔
我想我從老師開口起﹐嘰哩呱啦一大堆﹐到被遣回教室那一段時間內﹐
仿彿丟了語言能力﹐像是嘴巴裡給塞了個雞蛋...
現在想起來有點...好笑...
我還記得﹐我那時候跟我自己說﹕
如果妳再問我一次﹐我應該就擠得出幾個字來...應該可以...
不過妳沒有﹐而接著我顯然選擇了在最短時間內最快的解決方法 -
把它通通掃到眼不見為淨的角落﹗
假裝‘沒’發生過。
這‘輔導事件’我也是差不多十年後才突然記